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A Personal Story Part Two

I rocked with my son for two hours. I memorized every detail of his face. He had just recently had the first of many scheduled reconstructive surgeries, repairing his cleft lip. He was so perfect, so innocent. I wept. My first love, my son, was no longer with me. I felt as if I was in a movie, rocking with him. It was as if every special moment I had with my son was replaying in my mind in slow motion. I wept some more.


I remember many things from that painful day. I close my eyes and I can see him looking back at me in the rear-view mirror and smiling. That was his last smile. I remember the fear I felt when the policeman spoke to me. It was at the time so many young woman were throwing their children away, and I feared I would be accused of harming my own son. I remember the way he looked and how he smelled. Mostly, though, I remember the two hours I spent in the rocking chair with him. The was the last time I ever held my son in my arms. And, I still remember how that felt.


The next day was my twentieth birthday. Instead of celebrating, I was planning my son´s funeral and mourning my loss. I didn´t want any of this to be happening, but it was a truth I had to face. As I viewed samples of memorial folders, I kept questioning why. Why had this happened? What had I done to deserve this? Why was I being punished? Why me? I loved him and cared for him. I was a great mother, so why me?


I felt so many emotions. At times, I was numb and incapable of feeling anything. Other times, I was angry with the world. Mostly though, I was sad. I had lost the only thing in my life I had loved. I had lost the only thing in life I was good at, being my son´s mother. I began to question the meaning of life, and the religious beliefs I was raised with. I even questioned whether or not my life had worth now, since the one thing that made me happy was gone. I wanted it to all go away. It wouldn´t. I had a reality to deal with, and I needed to be strong.


(as told by a friend, part 2 of 3)

A Personal Story Part One

After August 30, 1996, my life would never be the same. That is the day that the world played a cruel joke on me, the day that my son died. He was ten weeks old. I was nineteen years old when my life was devastated by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The next day, as I was making funeral arrangements to bury my son, I turned twenty.


When I close my eyes, my mind replays the day that left me weeping, with empty arms. My son and I were on a two hour trek to his orthodontist appointment. He was born with a cleft lip and cleft palate and wore a retainer for corrective purposes. Five minutes before we entered town, I looked into the rear view mirror. I saw a beautiful baby boy looking back at me, and smiling.


We reached our destination, and I went to get my son. By the look of him, I knew something was terribly wrong. I grabbed Zachary, clutching him to my chest, and ran into the pediatric center for help. Zachary was taken from me by a young nurse. The doctors and nurses there tried to bring my little boy back to me as I spoke to a policeman. My little baby boy was ambulanced to the ER of the local hospital. The policeman gave me a ride, and when I arrived, I received the news of my son´s death.


I was in shock. I immediately started to sob, scream, yell, and deny that this was happening. It couldn´t be. Things like this didn´t happen to me, they happened to other people. After one of the kind nurses calmed me down some, I heard a baby cry. IT WAS ZACHARY! IT HAD TO BE! Then, they told me another child had just come in. I felt the initial pain all over again. I waited at the hospital for my brother to pick me up. I was in no shape to drive.

(as told by a friend, part 1)

Statistics

SIDS is the number one cause of infant death for children 1 month to 1 year old. 5,000 to 6,000 deaths each year in infants are SIDS deaths. The most occurences of SIDS deaths are between 2 and 4 months of age. 90% occur by 6 months of age. There are increased deaths in the winter months, peaking in January. Male infants are affected more than females.

Prevention

Since so little is known about SIDS, there are no black and while rules of prevention. There are, however, suggestions. These are putting baby on back to sleep, using a firm mattress, not letting your baby become too hot, keep baby in a smoke-free environment, do not lay baby on pillows, bean bags, etc., and seek early and regular prenatal care.

Risks

Although the risk factors for SIDS has caused controversial debate, there are a few that were told to me consistently when my son died. They are: babies who sleep on their stomach, soft bedding in crib, multiple births, prematurity, a sibling with SIDS (this is controversial), smoking - while pregnant and second hand- maternal drug and alcohol use, younger mothers, short time between pregnancies, late or little pre-natal care. How these factors impact the incident of SIDS is not defined yet. Keep in mind, they are still doing research on this horrible tragedy. There is no definite cause known yet. A doctor told me that they get the risk factors from surveys sent to mothers who lost their children to SIDS.

A Personal Story Part Three

The first time I saw Zachary after his death was difficult. It was the beginning of family visitation at his wake. I had told my family I wanted to have a few moments with Zachary alone. When I slowly walked up to his resting place, his eternal cradle, my heart began to weep. I went absolutely numb, not aware if I was even breathing. There lay my precious little boy. I wanted to grab him and hold onto him forever. I couldn´t even touch him.


At his funeral, I read out aloud a poem I had written to him while I was nine months pregnant. It was hard to listen to people recall the memories they had of my son, yet, it was refreshing as well. It proved to me he had touched other people´s lives, and so many other people loved him. That was important to me.


It has been over four years since I lost my son. The hurt has weakened, but the ache to touch him, to love and care for him, is still alive in me. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like now, had he survived. Although the pain will never go away, with time I have been able to accept what happened. I do not know that answers as to why this happened, but have come to terms with this tragedy.


I was lucky. I was able to spend ten weeks with someone who has taught me about life, love, and mothering. I was able to hold Zachary in my arms and care for him. I cuddled with him and played with him. I was his comfort when he was ill, and after he awoke in recovery from his surgery. Zachary was spared countless surgeries and out-of-state trips for appointments with medical specialists. He was never teased or bullied or made to feel he was less than perfect. He never saw hate, or hurt, or heartbreak. All Zachary knew was happiness and love. That is how I have found peace.



(as told by a friend, part 3)

What is SIDS?

Sudden Infant Death (SIDS) is the sudden and unexplained death of infants while they are asleep. SIDS is also known as crib death, but from my own personal experience, We know it does not only occur in cribs. The cause of SIDS has created great debate for years by medical researchers and physicians.